Vortex! Whirlpool! Flushing Action!

While I often get uncomfortable reading other people's "vortex of self-pity" type posts, I'm flailing pretty bad, emotionally speaking, so somehow, somewhere in this post I'll hopefully shit out a kernel of meaning that will make me go "Oh!" and move on with life.

There's that whole problem where bad things happen at once, and since I'd known for weeks (in the back of my head) that I needed to initiate the breakup sequence [5-4-3-2-heartbreak!], I decided that since other Bad Things were happening I may as well get it over with just to deal with everything at once. It could have been a bad decision, as this morning's almost complete numbness to life and obligations meant I laid in bed semi-conscious while the volunteer event I've been looking forward to since spring passed me by.

I didn't even shower. After the House of Good Names, I've been a pretty fanatic showerer.

I think one major problem is that, with the anxiety bit going unassisted, the depression bit seems even worse because, while I'm not sure I'm ever actually happy on lithium, I do seem to be depressed quite a bit. So even though it does have some good effects, it no longer works for me. At all. So problem #1 is just getting into the clinic and hanging on until then.

There's also the problem that, while at the beginning of the relationship I was being super understanding because I knew how hard it was for Kyle to juggle everything, he seemed to want to be with me. But then that last email implied that he'd never had time for a relationship, he just didn't know how to tell me- which is so ridiculous that it's either 1) not true and I'm just panicking, or 2) he really was just using me for sex which he said was not true. Or implied. I actually erased his emails pretty quick because having reminders of him felt distasteful to me.

There's more, but I don't even have the energy to evaluate all that. Now every time I drink juice (and I'm craving some right now) I'm going to think of him. That's the worst part: the juice. If I could just drag myself out of a complete malaise I'm sure I could go do something constructive like take a walk or write in the park (I'm behind on my NaNoWriMo), but it's hard to claw through.